Dancing with Sparrows ⇒ Kirno Sohochari

I was much obsessed about trees in my boyhood. A small forest existed just behind to the house where I celebrated my childhood events. The forest was pretty with its tall-aligned trees, greenish branches and thick green grasses. The youthful grasses were turning into foxy when winter comes with its dry and foggy wind. Whole forest then dejected and enclosed by foggy cloud.

dancing-with-sparrows_8Winter stealth the beauties of the trees. They were being naked and bareheaded by sacrificing their youth to the ground. The whisper-tone of fallen leaves in winter is still alive in my memories. Arriving bell of winter was short in here and soon the foggy cloud twisted to the Cuckoo’s singing beat. The tiny forest got new life in spring. Their branches then developed again with youngling green leaves. It was a signal for upcoming summer and rainy season. They were coming at the same time by embracing each other. The summer came with rampant hot and stormy thunder-peal. It was a great feeling in my boyhood. I liked to observe the changing moments of a forest. It is expired in winter and then reincarnated again in spring. It was indeed a thrilling experience for the curious boy.

My boyhood forest was not wild in nature and harmonized with the cheeping bell of dancing-with-sparrows_2little birds, butterflies and grasshoppers. The cricket and grayish frogs were also being the member of the forest. Their monotonous beat is hunting over me still today. Brown colored Fox and wild Cat was living in the deep inside of the forest and rarely showing their face in open daylight. We felt their existence when the virgin sky matured by the full moon night. The silence was broken then for their crunchy footsteps and weeping tone. Sometime they came closer to the house and moving around beside the chicken nest. The Fox and wild Cats are very skillful in thievery and we knew that. We took some extra arrangements to protect the chicken from this clever hunter.

I could remember the monkey-tone even as well. They are the part of my boyhood and their sudden attack in our rooftop was a common event then. They came here to search testy foods. We felt disturbed for their naughty activities and it was amusing too at the same time. Their trick and cleverness is amazing and it brought lot of fun to me. The days were dream-like and I rapidly turn to be an adult. My pubic hair was a signal to me that I am growing to be an adult now. The wet dream appeared soon and I am frustrated to see the sticky semen in my under garments. It is a new experience to me. I was not concerned about the changes happened in boyhood.

dancing-with-sparrows_7My body was reshaping to a new look. I realized suddenly that my face is not smooth as like it was. A thin line of sprouting hair is spreading over there. My voice is not innocent as it was. It is heavier than before. Sometime I bit confused to hear me. The boy whom I knew from the last couple of years was no more exist in my surface. My mind has liked to stick on the old fantasies yet, but the wet dreams preferred to have sinking down itself into the unknown desire.

dancing-with-sparrows_11This change is significant for any boys. I am not exceptional to the extent. I was getting new curiosities about adult stuff and felt interest to the matured women. They were eye-catching with their uneven architecture. I started to follow them in secret. My thirsty eyes never missed a single chance to follows the swinging beauties of these women. I followed the women in street and walking behind them like a silent boy. My clandestine desire was stuck-up to the puffy buttocks and bouncing turgid breast. The shameless eyes got an uncertain pleasure to seeing and sucking the architecture. My shaky fingers were trembling to follow the swinging beat and turned rapidly into a nightmare with wet dreams. It is the time when I started to love my shaky fingers and it gave me the feeling of manhood. I was equally rotating on wet dreams and fairy tales on those days.

The matured women were a frequent event on my mind. They were constantly rotating in my head and I imagined them on both aspect as fairy and witch. It is equally a thrilling and shameful experience for a teenage boy. He wanted to be an adult and acted like an adult and he tried to deny this at the same time! I started to feel guilty after self-gratification. The magical beat of tall trees in my mind was not stunned in the meantime. It was continuing as like before.

The pity boy was fascinated to walking along the aligned tall trees and liked to touchdancing-with-sparrows_3 their fabricated skin with his growing nailed fingers. He embraced them with his little hands and his respiration nearly closed for their cloggy smell. The big trees are scratchy and sticky. They have lot of experience about copulation and reincarnation. On the opposite, he is a precocious boy and inexperienced about the cycle of life. He is a little kid and suffering a lot with his wet dream and pubic hair.

It is difficult for an introvert boy to express his feelings to the parents and bit more difficult to discuss about it with his boyhood friends. The boy was introvert in nature. The adjacent forest was only the place where he could open his lustful desires.

Yearning for unknown lust has driven me to the tiny forest over and again. The little insects, chirping birds, pet and semi-wild animals were busy here with their desire and love. Yes, I was a keen observer of their lustful desire and preferred to perform like them. It is tough for a loner to express his desire to the opposite gender. Even I tried to avoid my playmates and never discussed about the issues with them.

dancing-with-sparrows_5I guess they were haunted by the same problem but overcoming it with their extrovert activities. My boyhood friends were playful and indeed had a capacity of fulfill the desire at any cost. I was not like them. Instead of I liked to hide my desire in the tiny forest and silently sitting down to the tall trees. I felt great fascination to talk with them. The scratchy tress was my beloved friends. I felt orgasm when the green leafs was clopping with the stormy wind.

My boyhood was fully booked with clopping green leaves, bareheaded branches of tall trees, deadly dare weeds, wet and clammy hot summer, desperate rainfall, white catkins and it was booked with a strong desire of running far away from the reality, where nobody will find me again. ‘Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland’ was one of my favorite stories and I was dreamy to enter the rabbit hole at any cost. The surface of my boyhood was drowsy. I got tired to rotating on the daily routine of school, teacher, daily prayer and the massive pressure of exams. I was not a studious boy at all and my exam paper always betrayed me in the classroom.

dancing-with-sparrows_12The school teachers treated me as a negligent student and the parents thought that I am a stubborn and impudent boy. They certainly loved me and on the parallel trying to hit my vibrant emotion to their regimental words and advice. I did not like it and one day took a final decision to escape from these burdens of regimental pressure. I wanted to escape like Alice. She is my favorite girl and I was dreamy to crossing the rabbit hole like her.

The day was late afternoon. My parents were drowning into the deep sleep. I picked up my handbag and running to the forest. It was silent. Evening sunlight is dilating its rays to the entire forest. My eyes were almost close due to the blazing rays. I felt nervous but soon running to the tiny cave. I discovered it in my last visit to the forest. The cave was not safe at all. I saw snakes there in my last visit. In spite of it I quickly pushed my tarsus into the cave.

dancing-with-sparrows_4It was a moment of silence. I felt pain in my toes after the silent moment passed. The feeling was horrific. My eyes were rotating like a spinning wheel. The surface seemed foggy to me despite the radiating sunlight. A white Rabbit then neared to me. I did not know where it was coming from. Perhaps, Alice sent it to survive me. The Rabbit quickly jumped to my chest and soon he reaches to the ear. I was dying on that moment but my ear clearly assimilated his whisper. The Rabbit then told to me, ‘You foolish! Life is not a joke. You need to scream loudly as you can.’

I scream loudly with all of my strength before going fainted. The forest was not so far from my house and I survived. This is the first time when I got the feeling of death and reincarnation. Snakebite helped me to change my views to the world.

I am a bumbling adult now and visited the old house after passing a long delay. This is the house where I engraved my boyhood with lot of thrill and shameful desires. The house is getting older like my grandmother. Both of them are going to edge of silence. I softly rub my fingers to my granny’s perforated skin. Her skin is scratchy with cloggy smell. She earns lot of experience in her life and certainly informed about the cycle of cohabitation and reincarnation with death. She is now standing on the silence of this upcoming moment. I see it in her dizzy face. It is now waiting for the jingle bell of infamous death angel. I silently kissed her wrinkled face and moving forward to catch my boyhood in the forest.

nothing_4The forest is no more exist in life. The tall trees, greenish branches, youthful grasses, the butterflies and grasshoppers, and even the chirping birds and naughty monkeys are no more existed here. They are wipes out from the surface. A gigantic apartment takes the void place. I am going to the rooftop and trying to feel my boyhood memories. The wind is forceful on the roof in spite of the blazing sunlight. I close the eyes and stretching my hands to embrace the strong wind. My clothes are swelling like a sailing boat. Thousands of sparrows are tweeting over my head. I do not know where they come from. Perhaps they are coming from the unknown fantasies and now trying to fill the void space of my boyhood memories.

I know that the motherly earth is not feeling comfort in void. The gigantic universe is not nothing_2void. Trillions of known and unknown objects are dancing over there. I also know the mystery that nothing means something and nothing is busy to engage the something to be nothing again. This nothing is not void due to the probabilities of unseen something. It is difficult to answer the question that when something is wipes out from the surface then where it could be go without the nothing! There is no void in this wired reality. It has to be filling up with anything we like or dislike. The marathon apartment where I stand now will wipe out by another object and the whole surface will emboss into the hidden forces and energies at near future. This is the sarcastic fate of our valued existence.

The day is blazing with radiating sunlight and thousands of sparrows are flying and chirping over my head. My boyhood memories are with me. They are circulating like a wheel. I slowly walk on the roof and set my feet at the edging point of the rooftop. My toes are ready to get a fly and I want to do it without any delay.

Note: Remembering the story of Richard Linklater “Boyhood”.